I’m taking the plunge. There are conflicts taking place in my body as I type. My belly rolls with a ‘yes but yikes’ kind of sensation, while my heart pulls with ‘go on’ ‘go on’ and my brain is saying ‘you’re going against everything I’ve been telling you’!
I’m standing in an unknown valley, which is beautiful and exciting and potentially treacherous with unknown pitfalls.
Why can’t I know in advance if what I’m going to do is 100% full proof and perfect? The fact is I don’t know the outcome and I’m compelled to do it anyway. I feel it in my belly as butterflies and in my heart as a deep urge, and my lovely deep thinking mind is cautiously checking around corners for ferocious Lions waiting there to judge me, or for the perilous drop into the gaping hole of wrong.
There are two things I’m grappling with. One is writing. The urge to write has been there since I was young but so has the belief that I could never produce anything worth reading – that seems to be loosening its grip. This week I am starting an 11 week creative writing course. Signing up to that was the easy bit. The hard bit is sitting here today and smashing through the fear I’ve had for the last 2 years of writing anything to be read publicly. The critical voice in my head asks me what’s the point of writing if it’s not profound and totally original, and my ego dislikes doing what it perceives every other person is doing i.e. blogging, and do I actually want my inner thoughts out in the ether anyway? But there’s another voice, the voice of reason perhaps, that asks how will I ever develop my writing skills or have original ideas, or breakthrough my fears if I don’t damn well start the art and practice of writing.
Next up is monumental. A life changing decision and enormous commitment. The decision to start a 5 year training in psychotherapy. This decision has been percolating for a number of years, and is well percolated now – it’s not fallen by the way as some of my big ideas do. But what if it’s the wrong track? What if as a yoga teacher I should be moving down the bodywork route? What if, what if, what if. I can’t see 5 years in the future, nor even 3. Some people can. I’m not designed that way. So I’m dancing on the precipice, getting closer and closer, like a bungee jumper with her heart in her throat!
aspects of our consciousness and inner journey, or inner story, our personal mythology, are beautifully depicted through images and symbolism, (as opposed to being a spooky fortune telling tool for psychics) card 0 (zero) is called The Fool. It’s not as derogatory as it sounds. The fool represents that youthful trust and faith that everything will be fine. He is walking to the edge of the precipice care free and exuberant. He trusts the path.
Let’s not forget that the mind is an extremely useful tool to check details, analyse the options, and make decisions. But at some point we’ve got to listen to our hearts and our bellies, tame the Lion, become foolish, step of the precipice, and trust the path and the challenges that will undoubtedly unfold.